Monday, November 19, 2007

Beowulf: a great movie for people who believe in the sanctity of their anus and tits.

Yeah, you like that?

Beowulf is fearless. You know what happens when the monsters come around? Beowulf doesn't flinch; he gets naked and waits. He sleeps naked in a room full of men singing songs about raping virgins and just waits. When Grendel comes around, he hops on his back and starts fisting him so hard Grendel gets soft and small. Then, right when it's almost over, Beowulf yells his own name and rips off Grendel's arm. Fearless.

When he goes to kill Grendel's mom, he brings a big sword. He lets her come right up to him and stroke it; he doesn't care. Beowulf has no fear. Instead of killing her, he gives her his big golden horn and a good seeing to, siring a fire-breathing dragon who wants to kill Beowulf for some reason. Is it for fucking his mother? Is it for killing his half-brother? Is it for not being there enough when he was little? We may never know.

Some Frisian wants to kill him, but Beowulf is so brave he's like, "I don't need no Jesus 'cause y'all can't kill me." Then he stares the Frisian down until he cowers in fear from Beowulf's bare chest that is so manly everyone is really impressed.

When the dragon comes to town, Beowulf isn't afraid. He's fearless. He's older now, so he doesn't get naked, but he hops on the creature's back with a chain. Still no fear! All of the soldiers in the kingdom shoot arrows at the dragon, but Beowulf coldly swats away the arrows before they can hit him. He's held onto his sword this whole time!!! Then his dragon son slams him into a cliff like it was nobody's business, and still Beowulf keeps his sword and composure.

Then the dragon hovers over the castle tower. There's this thing on top of it that is a long shaft with a round, sharp head on it. It gets uncomfortably close to Beowulf's anus. It goes up his warrior skirt a little too far for his liking. This scares the crap out of Beowulf. "Nothing goes that way, yo. Beowulf's anus is sacred, ain't you heard?"

He's a little embarrassed, so he has to up the ante a lot. He has to rip out the dragon's heart. The dragon has a heart much too small to pump as much blood as a dragon must need, but that's OK. It's magic. But he can't reach. For some reason, he thinks that cutting his arm off will get him into that nice sweet red hole just far enough to stab the heart with his sword. He only has his short sword, so he has to do it. It just isn't long enough to get to that sweet spot. He cuts off his own arm, but he drops his sword when the fire hits his hand. No big deal: it's a long way from his anus. So he reaches with his sound arm as far as he can and miraculously pulls out the beast's heart as if it were a tomato on a leafy branch in spring. Of course, the dragon falls a long way down without a heart in its chest, but Beowulf is not afraid. He dies bravely.

Oh yeah, and Angelina Jolie is naked. Well, kind of. It's not really her, but if you really try, you can look past the fact that she moves like Shrek and fool yourself into thinking it's really her. She has stiletto heels growing out of her feet because that's what men want. It's about as hot as when Bugs Bunny dresses up as a girl bunny. Soooo hot.


Jenny Drai said...

Getting poked in the anus is sooooo scary when you're a testosterone ridden heterosexual teenage boy.

Also, I think Beowulf is a control freak.

Jenny Drai said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jack Morgan said...

Morals of Beowulf:
It's ok to cheat on your wife as long as you still love her, and she's cool with it.
It's ok to get naked in front of men as long as you have nice abs and they sing songs about virgins.
Women should wear pumps even when they aren't wearing anything else.
If you want to be the king, you have to be bad ass.

Jenny Drai said...

Not just virgins, raped virgins! Personally, I found that to be the best part, especially since as it turns out, Beowulf is actually afraid of being raped in the ass by some pointy section of the dragon.

Nobody likes to be raped. It's impossible. If they want it, it's no longer rape.

You forgot to mention that all Christians are frigid and terrible people. I bet if I were a slave living in the 500s I'd be kind of happy about Christianity. The movie definitely chose to ignore that so instead the whole CHristian conversion thing just becomes a big chip on the shoulder of those making the film.

More importantly, whatever happened to comitatus, the arrangement between a lord and his retainers? There is just about no reference to this at all in the entire film.

Unless I smirked through that part.