Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Today I Slept Through My Alarm Clock. However, I Did Not Get "Written Up."

Aah. The great thing about having a more professional job is that there is no time clock. If something comes up and I arrive a bit later than planned, I just call and alert my boss to the situation. No sweat. Hardly ever happens anyways. However, this in no way makes up for the fact that I have to work harder than my old job. Thank you.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Return To Normal

Nothing to see here. Please keep moving. Just a normal person doing normal person things. For example, a few days ago I spent a thrilling evening balancing my checkbook. I have also recently attended the grocery store where I purchased such normal person items like fruit, bread, and frozen vegetables. The fruit consisted of three partially-ripened bananas and some bluberries, in case you are wondering. This evening I continued on my journey through life as a normal well-adjusted person by doing some yoga before reading two plays by William Butler Yeats. I know all of this may seem out of reach to you right now, but this lifestyle could be yours too if you really wanted it. Thank you.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Erroneously, I Stated That From Now On My Cat, Gerard Butler, Would Be Known As MCGB. Really, I Meant To Say: MC,GB

MC,GB insists on proper punctuation

Personally, I think commas are a stylistic choice, but then I wrote a novel without them.

In other news, I waited 45 minutes for the bus today. I am pretty sure some of the passing drivers circled around more than once just to gloat.

In even other news, I have not fallen into any sort of relapse situation with that regret, sorrow, and longing I was moping about yesterday. I also ate a sandwich today. Such a conglomeration of flavors.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Lately I've Started To Feel Like The Bad Queen In Beowulf Who Can't Keep The Peace And Has To Go Live With Her Brother

The past sort of caught up with me this last weekend and I found myself drowning in a tidal wave of regret, sorrow, and longing for approximately 32 minutes. Then I was fine again. I was hanging out with a long-lost friend from days of yore and then she told me something that made me, again, feel like I was drowning in a tidal wave of regret, sorrow, and longing for, again, approximately 32 minutes. That being said, the tidal wave of regret, sorrow, and longing was not so wet or nasty that I couldn't finish my sandwich, even within the 32 minute time frame of acute regret, sorrow, and longing. The sandwich was a BLT with avocado on wheat and really gave me something to hang on to, almost like a little sandwich life raft in a sea of regret, sorrow, and, longing. That really didn't last 32 whole minutes, if you think about it, because part of the 32 minutes was really just coming down from riding the tidal wave of regret, sorrow, and longing. So now we're talking more like 25 minutes. Still, I think it would be better for everyone if I just bound my heart up with cord and never let it out again. This would bring me down to zero minutes of regret, sorrow, and longing. Thank you.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

I Went Running This Morning. Afterwards I Felt Like I Was Going To Throw Up.

Other than that, though, it went great. I would say something here about the wind in my hair but I do not think I was moving fast enough for that. Also I would say something about the music I was listening to and how each pulsing beat really inspired me to push harder, but my iPod is broken. Unfortunately. The good news is that the pain in my lungs stopped relatively quickly and I was not bitten by any stray dogs. Thank you.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

From Now On, My Cat, Gerard Butler, Will Be Known As MCGB.

MCGB tries out his new acronym.

At some point I have to ask myself if this MCGB business is all just a really silly joke or am I becoming a crazy cat lady. According to Brent Cunningham I am crazy. (Brent has a Masters degree in something so clearly he's right.) Also, I clearly have a cat. Therefore, the only question remaining is: am I a lady? Now might be a good (belch)time to mention the headbutting incident when I was twenty or that last night in the living room I had to be reminded to clean up my toenail clippings. Nope. Not very ladylike indeed. It looks like I am just a Crazy Cat. This sounds much less like a frightening, lonely picture of a muttering woman in a bathrobe with frizzy hair and much more like enthusiastic, well-adjusted jazz hands. I guess I will just have to live with thaaaa-aat.

Also, I wrote a short story. You can read it here.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Screw Living For The Weekend. I'm Living For The Evening.

Sometimes I wish I had never been "rescued" from the family of wolves that raised me in the forest preserves outside Chicago . Sure, that would mean having to forgo human-style luxuries like indoor plumbing, book-learning, and warm cooked meals. However, I would point out that I had gummi bears for dinner last night, book-learning has brought me nothing but sorrow, and (as I have previously mentioned) I hardly get to used the indoor plumbing around here anyways. I might as well be living with the wolves! Most importantly to my argument is the fact that if I were still living with wolves, I would not have to have an office job. Sure, I'd have responsibilities to the pack and would have to help out with the hunting. But among the wolves, I would still remain an exotic visitor, not a lowly secretary. I would not have to interrupt my work flow to "find the Jones file" or take seven telephone messages from the same client in three hours, for example. Wolves do not do this type of work.

Now That I've Got The Job, I Really Regret Deleting Those Blog Posts

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Sometimes I Think I Am A Real Loser Because I Make Less $ Than My Younger Brother. But Then I Think...I Could Be Mike Huckabee

Is "God" Missing From the Constitution?

From now on, I will probably just surprise people by saying "Huckabee!" behind their backs after sneaking up on them instead of "Boo!" or "Gotcha!"

Don't get me wrong. The Bible's got some great stories in it. For example when the elders sneak up on Susannah in her bath and say, "Susannah! Susannah! We are burning to make love to you!" I also think the differing versions of Jesus between the four gospels are fun and exciting. But really. Fruitcakes are for Christmas and not even really for then. Although I did eat a slice once. However, I have no intention of eating a slice of Mike Huckabee. Unless it were to be the slice of his brain that isn't functioning correctly. I would do that for you. I would do that for all of us.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Yesterday I Had A Very Fulfilling Day In My Head While Doing Absolutely Nothing With My Body

Just one of the ways I got where I was going in my mind all day yesterday

For example, I had a great imaginary conversation with two German guys on the bus who were speaking in their native tongues about the many pros and cons of Ikea in such an amusing fashion. Of course, when they realized I could understand them--after a particularly clever and well-timed comment from me, they immediately invited me to a party later that night where I met a lot of fantastic new people, all of whom were (by the end of the the night) virtually fighting over who was going to get to have coffee with me first. What a great night! But more importantly, I did not even have to tear myself away from my take-out eggplant with bean curd and brown rice and the latest crime drama marathon on television to have it. There is nothing like being in two places at once.

Friday, January 4, 2008

My Power Went Out Today. Did Yours?

At first I was shocked and confused. I mean, there I was at my place of business unable to use the computer, the telephone, the copy machine, even the typewriter. For all practical purposes, one might say, the power outage really hamstrung my ability to maintain a steady work flow. Then I realized something else altogether. The power outage meant I was going to get to go home early! My happiness at this realization made me realize that after just three short weeks I am already falling into the camp of Americans who hate their job. Finally, for the first time in my life, I feel like I am really part of something bigger than just myself. I'm going to have to start saving for vacation right now. Also, I am really going to start living for the weekends and then coming down with a case of "the Mondays." I would say 'manic' Mondays, but I don't want to jinx myself. Oh, I just realized I can now also count myself among that group of Americans who rely on public transportation for their commute to their hated jobs and who thus develop mass transit-rage. For example, I had bus rage last night when I had to wait 40 minutes in the rain. I could have been accomplishing all sorts of personal goals
(like redeveloping my tolerance to alcohol or conscientiously grooming my cat, Gerard Butler so that I will be able to stop screaming bloody hell when he digs in with his claws) during that time period, but no. That time is just lost to me. For someone who has never been much of a joiner, I would say I am in a lot of clubs. Would you like to be in my club?

Is 'Iquity' A Word? As In, The Opposite Of 'Iniquity?'

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Lawyers: Another Word For People Who Leave Everything Till The Last Minute.

Probably don't work in my office.

Legal assistants everywhere should rise up against this tyranny and oppression and take these misguided men and women by the hand and lead them into the clear light of time management. For our purposes, 'time management' means there is enough time for your assistant to eat lunch. Or to catch her bus and not have to wait a half hour in the dark, wet and cold for the next one which turns out to be ten minutes late. So really, we're talking forty minutes here. And I'm not the only one who suffers. These late evenings mean that my cat, Gerard Butler's, feeding time is pushed back. This is inexcusable. To retaliate I am going to wear jeans to the office tomorrow while my boss is out of town. Hopefully all the other lawyers in the building will be far too busy doing things at the last minute to tell on me.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Just A Few Things I Resolve To Continue Not To Do In 2008

What's up with New Year's resolutions?

Screw all the guilt and hoopla over making and keeping New Year's resolutions. This year I'm trying something new. Instead of making a big fuss about becoming a better person, I'm just going to hold down the fort and concentrate my self-improvement energies on just remaining less bad. On that note, here are a few things I resolve to continue not to do in 2008:

1. I will continue not to lie about my cat Gerard Butler's perfect health in order to have him put to sleep for being annoying. For example, he meows loudly and plays with his toy mouse in the middle of the night like he is killing it in the dark so I have to worry about the idea that what I can barely see is a real scene of feline carnage. Also I am pretty sure I have a flea bite. I tell you this Gerard Butler: you are pushing your luck. And we all know your deadbeat dad isn't going to step up for you so you better watch it.

2. I will continue not to throw a huge public hissy fit instead only throwing small occasional private hissy fits over the fact that my roommate (just a few short steps across the hallway from me!) is clearly running some sort of chamber of horrors in her bedroom that involves one aquarium full of snakes and just next to it a cage of mice. I do not think those mice are her pets. Also, my cat Gerard Butler better not get a hold of one because I do not like scraping guts and or other mouse parts off my carpet. Maybe Gerard Butler's New Year's resolution should be to become vegetarian.

3. Okay. Enough about my cat, Gerard Butler. The next thing I resolve to continue not to do in 2008 is get arrested. This should be pretty easy as the last (and only) time I got arrested was 12 years ago and those were very special circumstances. So I'd say I have a good track record here.

4. I'm also going to continue not to make an ass of myself in public because I drank a whole bottle of vodka or something like that. And I don't mean bottle as in ass-pocket, I mean the big .750 ml kind. Everything in moderation is a great policy especially if you're the kind of person who, say, used to wake up from passing out in a drunken stupor and having no idea how your face got that bloody or where those gashes came from. Luckily, twenty other people will probably be on hand to tell you exactly what you head-butted. But more to the point, drunk and disorderly conduct just isn't stylish. It messes up your hair. Also, you might get vomit on your ballet flats.

I would write more, but I think it's wise to start small. Lucky for me, I'm having a great start as it is already 2:30pm on January 1st and I have so far managed not to have my cat put to sleep because he is annoying, scream about snake digestion in the next room, get arrested, or behave like an ass in public because I am drunk. Maybe, though, just to get rid of any loopholes I should go ahead and say that my fifth resolution is to continue to not behave like an ass in public for any reason. However, if I want to in private that is just going to have to remain my business.

Have a great year! I know I will.