Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Just A Few Things I Resolve To Continue Not To Do In 2008

What's up with New Year's resolutions?

Screw all the guilt and hoopla over making and keeping New Year's resolutions. This year I'm trying something new. Instead of making a big fuss about becoming a better person, I'm just going to hold down the fort and concentrate my self-improvement energies on just remaining less bad. On that note, here are a few things I resolve to continue not to do in 2008:

1. I will continue not to lie about my cat Gerard Butler's perfect health in order to have him put to sleep for being annoying. For example, he meows loudly and plays with his toy mouse in the middle of the night like he is killing it in the dark so I have to worry about the idea that what I can barely see is a real scene of feline carnage. Also I am pretty sure I have a flea bite. I tell you this Gerard Butler: you are pushing your luck. And we all know your deadbeat dad isn't going to step up for you so you better watch it.

2. I will continue not to throw a huge public hissy fit instead only throwing small occasional private hissy fits over the fact that my roommate (just a few short steps across the hallway from me!) is clearly running some sort of chamber of horrors in her bedroom that involves one aquarium full of snakes and just next to it a cage of mice. I do not think those mice are her pets. Also, my cat Gerard Butler better not get a hold of one because I do not like scraping guts and or other mouse parts off my carpet. Maybe Gerard Butler's New Year's resolution should be to become vegetarian.

3. Okay. Enough about my cat, Gerard Butler. The next thing I resolve to continue not to do in 2008 is get arrested. This should be pretty easy as the last (and only) time I got arrested was 12 years ago and those were very special circumstances. So I'd say I have a good track record here.

4. I'm also going to continue not to make an ass of myself in public because I drank a whole bottle of vodka or something like that. And I don't mean bottle as in ass-pocket, I mean the big .750 ml kind. Everything in moderation is a great policy especially if you're the kind of person who, say, used to wake up from passing out in a drunken stupor and having no idea how your face got that bloody or where those gashes came from. Luckily, twenty other people will probably be on hand to tell you exactly what you head-butted. But more to the point, drunk and disorderly conduct just isn't stylish. It messes up your hair. Also, you might get vomit on your ballet flats.

I would write more, but I think it's wise to start small. Lucky for me, I'm having a great start as it is already 2:30pm on January 1st and I have so far managed not to have my cat put to sleep because he is annoying, scream about snake digestion in the next room, get arrested, or behave like an ass in public because I am drunk. Maybe, though, just to get rid of any loopholes I should go ahead and say that my fifth resolution is to continue to not behave like an ass in public for any reason. However, if I want to in private that is just going to have to remain my business.

Have a great year! I know I will.

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