Monday, October 22, 2007

Apparently, I Am The Omega Roommate. I Am Not Allowed To Use The Bathroom.

Wolves do it outdoors.

While I was growing up with my lupine family in the forest preserves outside Chicago, I got used to thinking of the outdoors as my own personal WC. Leaves for toilet paper. That sort of thing. But now that I live in a house, I would just as soon do my personal private business within the bright white walls of what I've come to learn is called 'the bathroom.' Just because I can. Not so.

(To those of you who are wondering how all of this makes me the 'omega' roommate, it just so happens to be a little bit of wolf lingo describing the member of the group who is the outcast. Who is always getting metaphorically shit upon. Maybe literally. Of course, this could never happen to me because I am never allowed in the bathroom. But perhaps I shouldn't presume the shitting upon would take place there.)

Actually, it would probably be alright for me to use the bathroom if it were ever available. My roommate takes showers that are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long that I have to go to the bathroom three times over before he's done. I would go in the yard, but there's just a big cement slab back there. No little bushes for privacy. So I am back to square one.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

My Cat, Stanley, Briefly Becomes Indoor-Outdoor Cat In Thrilling 20-Minute Chase Scene. Announces He's Running Away To Live With Wolves.

If this isn't highly socialized behavior, I don't know what is.

I think Stanley is trying to tell me he is bored with our current living arrangement. He would like to live with the wolves again. Quite frankly, so would I. Just the other day I was thinking about how out of step with most of humanity I am as I was politely waving another driver ahead and using my turn signal. This sort of high-end cooperative behavior can stem only from being raised within a highly socialized group structure if you ask me. Like the highly socialized group structure of wolves, for example.

Monday, October 8, 2007

I've Had An Exciting Weekend. Let Me Tell You Why.

I've come for the cat.

Something totally crazy happened this weekend! You probably won't believe me but I'm still going to tell you about it. I opened up my front door Saturday morning to find out what was causing such a racket and was confronted by some guy in what looked like fifth-century garb and armor with wild hair and an excessively annoyed look on his face.

I was made to understand through a combination of hand gestures and a bastardized mix of English and German on my part mixed with whatever antiquated language he happened to be speaking on his part that he wanted me to give him my cat, Stanley, the cat behind the cat that is my cat, Gerard Butler.

I pressed my luck. Are you the doctor? I asked. Have you come to take me away from this shitthole I live in all the way to the ends of the universe? He stared at me blankly. Obviously he was not the doctor.

My Saturday morning time-traveler also used this opportunity to tell me that he wanted any and all photographs of my cat, Stanley, the cat behind the cat that is my cat, Gerard Butler.

What is the world coming to?

Monday, October 1, 2007

Male Friend Denounces 'Beowulf And Grendel' Movie As 'Bad.' Declares 'Long Haired Actors' Not Valid Plot Point.

Ingvar E. Sigurdsson (Grendel), just one of the many long-haired actors that make the recent film 'Beowulf and Grendel' a visual treat.

People are just haters. For example, that guy that doesn't like the movie most emphatically does not have long hair. Nor does he know what it's like to go to an all-girls Catholic high school and live down the block from your long-haired metal-head public school crush who thought you were lame because you went to Catholic school. For the record, he went to Lutheran school. This strikes me as a little funny, his misgivings about Catholic school girls. As everyone knows, Catholic school girls are wild as bison. Just better looking. Plus they've built up higher tolerances to alcohol so they won't embarrass you at the next Metallica concert. Let Metallica embarrass themselves, I say. After all, it's their night.

Remember: every day is just one day closer to November 16. As far as I know, that is the date for the new Beowulf movie. When is not so important, I say. What I really have a burning desire to know after perusing the cast list is: who the f*ck is Ursula? Something tells me I've been through this before. Did I miss that part? Did I forget to read the right poem?