Friday, November 12, 2010

Some Excuses for the Colossal Grammatical Lapse in Yesterday's Facebook Post

From now on, I vow to read this entire book before posting anything online.

"The more I learn about my grandfather's WWII experience, the more lucky I realize I am to have ever gotten to meet him."

I should have said 'luckier.' I apologize to you, the internet, and all my many instructors who have taught me far, far better than that.

The Excuses (In No Particular Order)

Hey my Masters degree is in poetry, not grammar.

Clearly I am some sort of hooligan of grammar. By choice. By eradicating the conventional structure of grammar, I was attempting to rebuild it. Uh, yeah.

Most of my English grammar books were written in other languages. Like in Russian or German. And while I may still read enough Russian to find my way through the completely untranslated DVD menu for a (by the way) really faithfully adapted television mini-series based on The Idiot by the late great Fyodor Dostoevsky, I fall down when it comes to the comparison of adjectives.

My mother corrected my grammar continuously as I was growing up. See what I'm trying to say here? Nagging never gets the job done.

I like to end sentences on prepositions too. Especially in daily speech. Do you have a problem with that? Either way, the whole language is going to pot. You might as well just crack open a frosty cold one and enjoy the view.

My fancy-ass private college did not make students who passed the writing entrance exam take composition. Therefore my actual instruction in English grammar ended freshman year of high school. Of course, this total ignorance of the guts and bowels of my native language hampered me somewhat when I was teaching in graduate school. WTF? I still don't know what a dangling modifier is. Please don't try to explain. You will only be disappointed in my lack of comprehension. It's sort of a sore spot for me. Sort of how I can never remember what 'alterity' means.

'Alterity' has something to do with 'otherness,' as in switching one's perspective for that of the other. Try writing a dangling modifier about that, bitches!

Excuse me for calling you a bitch. I got excited.

Okay, that's it people. Look away from my internet shame. There are worse grammatical catastrophes than bungled comparatives. Here are a few gems.

You're welcome.

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