Just A Few People I Think I Might Like To Meet

not quite on the list

1. Christine de Pisan. Sure, she could write. But what did she look like?

2. Gerard Butler. Mostly to apologize for taking his name in vain. Over and over and over again. And over. With no real plans to stop.

3. Okay, you caught me. I listened to Enya last night. I needed help falling asleep! But that doesn't mean I want to meet her.

4. Jesse. You know. To find out what happened to his girl! (You have to admit that "Jesse's Girl" would be a bold and unusual way to start off any wedding reception. That first special dance between bride and groom. Hints of a back story.)

5. Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse this, Amy Winehouse that. Mostly to slap her around. Why should she get all the credit? A number of us have been quietly destroying ourselves behind the scenes without accolade since long before she even got her first tattoo.

6. Selma. Obviously. And I think everyone can guess the question I would pose: who the f*ck ...?!

7. The unnamed, underpaid individual who is going to be changing my diapers when I'm old, if I make it that long. Thank you in advance. Please don't beat me.

8. My 'inner child,' if you will. The last time I saw her, she was in the fetal position. However, I am pretty sure that she can be coaxed out with a rapid succession of piping hot tuna melts and delicious tapioca puddings. Maybe my outer child should get her inner ass on a plane to Chicago. Before I finalize my travel plans, though, I will have to consider one burning question--

Burning Question: Who is going to take care of my cat, Gerard Butler, while I am gone?

Burning Answer: My cat, Gerard Butler, is a Spartan! Spartans are like wolves. They do not necessarily get to eat everyday.

9. That elusive health care professional I know is out there somewhere who will admit that 'everything in moderation' is actually true. Take cigarettes, for example. They can't be all bad. Just check this out if you need proof--


To stand under the blue gleaming sea of wide air
and burn in so obviously pious a manner
a fragment of white cigarette
is to contribute to the negative of the moon's light and glitter,
to the cold moon on the water

(Miyazawa Kenji, from "The Moon on the Water and the Wound")


But then, I really like cold moon on water. So maybe Miyazawa Kenji as well.

10. Last but not at all least. The anonymous poet. He would lecture me on the danger of laughing hysterically while simultaneously rolling over in one's grave. Multi-tasking can be dangerous. Just because you are dead does not mean you can't hurt yourself.

Oh, and go see Lily Brown at Pegasus tonight!

I Am Going to Have a Niece! Her Parents Are Catholic Republicans! I Will Be A Hero!

a very relaxed Gerard Butler, just moments after sipping the last of his raspberry / hibiscus blend purchased the day before at the natural food store

I have something very serious to talk about today. I have a niece on the way now. I take this very seriously. I mean, everybody has to have a bad influence. After all, her due date is October 31. What a badass day for a baby to be born! However, that means I have just a few days short of two months to get a motorcycle, develop a severe drinking problem, and get ill-thought-out tattoos on a whim in very visible places. Like my forehead.

This is a really tall order, people. However, I figure that by making a spectacle of myself and just in general ruining my life, I would be doing my entire extended family a huge favor as well. If my family didn't have me to embarrass myself at wedding receptions or family parties, there would be nothing to do but make small talk with Beverly, third cousin once removed that no one possibly has ever met before. The family that laughs at the failure of others tends to stay together. And why shouldn't I be that failure? I can get up on a table, wag my finger, and sing "No, No, No!" in a smoky, soulful voice with the best of them.

Still, I am feeling a certain amount of trepidation.

Sure, I used to be a bit of a wild child, if I do say so myself. And I do. But now I'm older and hopefully wiser and I've gotten used to hanging out in my bedroom with my cat, Gerard Butler. We'll often spend a quiet evening together drinking herbal tea and talking late into the night about our feelings.

A typical conversation might go like this...

Me: Gerard Butler, am I fat?

my cat, Gerard Butler: Meow!

Me: Oh thank you, Gerard Butler. It's so good of you to say so!

my cat, Gerard Butler (coyly): Me-ooow?

Me: Oh sure. You can be Selma this time.


Going out to the bar every night to the point that I am sweating alcohol and look and feel like an ashtray would get in the way of these small but heartfelt interactions. But I mustn't be selfish. I have my niece to think of. Maybe I can compromise. Maybe if I ever get another f*cking cat carrier my cat, Gerard Butler, can ride on the back of my motorcycle.

In Other News, Please Bring Your Pitchforks and Torches to My Residence at 10pm Tonight.

some trusty villagers on their way to my residence to drive out my foul-tempered roommate

My foul-tempered roommate is not delicious to live with. And my poor little furry friend, Gerard Butler, is feeling the brunt as well. My cat, Gerard Butler, is not used to being verbally abused. That's it. That foul-tempered roommate has got to go. 10pm. And tonight it won't be stylish to be late.

In other news, everything I am wearing right now was purchased by Gerard Butler's deadbeat dad. The important thing to understand about going out with people with $ is that you pick someone who is not your dress size. Likelier than not, they will show their affection by buying you things. And because they aren't your size, once they are inevitably no longer affected by you, you will get to keep the merchandise. Not that I need cocktail dresses living in poverty and squalor as I do. Of course there are those fancy dress parties I throw in my bedroom for myself and my cat, Gerard Butler.

Ah! I just went down to the corner for Jarritos and now I am Jarrappy!

Apropos Gerard Butler. Last night when we were playing 'Beowulf' and 'Selma,' I got to be 'Selma' for once. My cat, Gerard Butler was quite dashing as Beowulf. I could see why Selma wanted to sleep with him. Of course she also slept with Grendel. Oh my god, did I just write that?! Did I just give it away?! We still haven't figured out just who Selma is. But this much I know: Beowulf + Selma + Grendel=LOVE TRIANGLE! If I were the anonymous poet, I would probably go back and forth between thinking all of this was very funny and periodically turning over in my grave.

In other news, my mother said if I came to Chicago to visit her she would make me piping hot tuna melts and delicious tapioca pudding every night if I wanted her too. Actually she didn't say anything of the kind but it never hurts to plant the seed. She also mentioned that it would not be any sort of problem for her whatsoever to do all the dishes herself while I lay face down on the sofa.

I was thinking I should write something called, 'Frankly, I Prefer My Own Mother to My Mother-in-Law.' Actually I don't have a mother-in-law right now, but I sort of did for awhile. Brrrrrr! The best part ever was when she sat me down at her kitchen table and told me to give her the "dirt" on my mother. My mom and I had a good laugh over that one. Everyone knows only I am allowed to criticize my mother. Usually during some part of the process of being ungrateful. In any case, the moral of the story is you shouldn't talk shit about my mother or I while make fun of you on the internet.