Friday, November 7, 2008

Shellfish Bad. Slavery Good.

Yesterday I went to Diesel (a bookstore) to buy a bible because I want to know what all the religious fuss against gay marriage is all about, but the bible I wanted cost $32.99 so I just bought a Henning Mankell mystery instead, which I am really enjoying by the way. Besides who needs a paper version of the bible when the Brick Testament is available online. From now on, this Lego wonderland and its graphic depictions of biblical scenery (especially the sexy parts and the violent parts) will be where I conduct most of my biblical research. And as I expected, the Old Testament does condemn homosexuality. But it also says you shouldn't eat shellfish, that menstruating women are equal to pollution (and woe to anyone who sits on or touches anything that the menstruating woman touches because that person is polluted too), that sexual intercourse makes us unclean, that raped virgins should be married to their rapists, and a whole lot about stoning various groups of people, including one's own wayward child. And if you're a woman, you better be able to show proof of your virginity upon marriage or you're also in the deep pile of stinky shit know as being stoned to death. Magic tricks are out as well. David Blaine thou shalt be stoned to death. As for prisoners of war, the good book advocates slaughtering all the men but it's alright to take the women to bed. Luckily for many, the Geneva Convention didn't base its principles on the book of Deuteronomy. But maybe that's where the Serbs got their idea for Kosovo. Just in case you thought the Bible is all negativity, however, there is one thing every homophobe's favorite book seems to condone. The condition known as slavery. Ta-dah! Check it out for yourself.


Alphonse said...
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